Lesbian wishes and Champagne Dreams....

I once thought I would dip my feet in the pool. Swish them around. See if I wanted to take a swim. But I think deep down, I've always known I'm not that kind of fish. I can't swim both upstream and down.

"I think I'm in love with you." She said. "Whhhuh?" Was all I could muster. I was eighteen, she was nineteen, one of my best-friends for years. "It's becoming to difficult for me to live here with you, to watch you, ya know.... " I had just finished taking a shower and was sitting wrapped in nothing but a towel. Suddenly, the moment took on a different mood entirely. I tightened the wrap, suddenly self-conscious, aware of my body in a way I hadn't been before. "It's not just that. I just love you." She decided to take a year off from college and fled to Australia for six months, on a trip with her then boyfriend, a married fucktard who came back to the states a week later while she stayed behind, finding herself. One day she showed up on my doorstep, an orphan, unwelcome in her mothers home. I welcomed her into mine with open arms. I missed her. She was adventurous, exotic, exciting, spontaneous.... She lured me in with her sordid tales from down under, working as a stripper, experimenting with ecstasy, spending her days on Bondi Beach, and her nights with new found friends in Aussie nightclubs. She was different when she came back. Matured, traveled, slightly jaded, harder. But around me that melted.

I smiled at her. I didn't say anything really. Plausible Denial. If I pretend I didn't really hear it, then it didn't really happen. I wasn't sure if one of the things she discovered about herself was that she was a lesbian, or was she just attracted to me? We got dressed, I in the bathroom, with the door closed this time, and headed out to a friends party. She repeated her declaration of love while we were outside. Fcuk. "I love you too." I replied. "But.... not in that way." My heart sank. I didn't want to disappoint.

She moved out shortly after. Things were never really the same. And she continued dating guys that were complete and total fucktards.
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As I got a little bit older I started to wonder. Are all women naturally bi-curious? Ask most women if they would rather watch two beautiful women kiss, or a decent looking man and woman, and more often then not the answer will be the former. We love beautiful women. We have girl crushes for god's sake. Guy's don't crush on other men. Or do they. They surely don't admit to it. But we all find ourselves in love with Angelina Jolie and Salma Hayek. Add a little bit of alcohol into the picture and most girls have had a lesbian encounter, sometimes two.

"I had a dream about you last night." My other girlfriend whispered as we sat down to eat with a group of friends.

"Ooooooo, what was it about!" I asked excitedly.

"Well, I was really really drunk last night off Cristal again actually, so its all kind of hazy, but we were having sex, again."

My excitement suddenly turned to awkwardness. This was was the third time she had confessed to me that she was drunk and dreaming of fornicating with me.

"Don't tell anyone." She said. "I'm not a lesbian." She assured me. But her touches at dinner were more frequent, more gentle, softer, she was playing with my hair, tickling my back. Was she trying to seduce me! I brushed it off. I was overthinking it.

Or was I.

"It was really good." She said as we sat in the back of the taxi riding up tenth avenue.

"Yeah, I luvvv their food. Yummy." I replied.

"No silly. The dream."

"Oh......" I let out an embarrassed giggle. We obviously were not on the same page. Or even reading the same book it seemed.

"So what do you think about that?" She whispered. Ok. Are you asking for like....what are you asking for, I was wondering.

"Have you ever?" She asked me. "You know..."

"No. You would know!"

"Well..... I never would. Except with you."

"With me? Why me!"

"Because."

The Butterflies just weren't there. And I'm not one to experiment for the sake of experimentation. Flattery, though highly coveted, as well as exclusivity, just wasn't doing it for me.

"Stop drinking Champagne." I offered sympathetically.

"Why?" She looked slightly confused.

"Because then you'll stop wanting to have sex with me."

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A few years had passed. "That's it. I've decided I'm going to be a lesbian." I had made the declaration to one and all. Anyone who was interested, anyone who would listen. I had had it. This should have been the first sign of course, the insincerity of my motivation, lesbians across the land would be booing me if they knew what I was up too. But I didn't care. I had suffered enough heartbreak, humiliation, devastation at the hands of the opposite sex. I preferred Lesbian Pron to Straight Pron, I thought Angelina in GIA was HOT and what girl doesn't get excited at the thought of doubling her wardrobe, hello! I even recruited friends to help me find a girlfriend. I'm not really the go out and get em type. And besides, how does one go about letting the Girl World know that now you are "available." Peruse the "women seeking women" personals? There's an entire vernacular to be learned.

Femme, Butch, lipstick, Dike, baby dike, bull dike, fluff, bluff.... yeah, you get my point.

The realest test of my foray into lesbianism came from a most unexpected place. Once again, a dear friend. A friend with a boyfriend, in a long term relationship actually. She had never mentioned any dreams, didn't admire me when I was barely or completely unclothed in her presence, she was just a BFF, though lately had been clinging to me more than ever. And one night, too tired to drive home, she decided to stay the night at my place. We decided to watch a movie and climbed onto my bed. She asked if I wanted her to tickle my back. Girls do this to each other all the time. It's just a girlie thing. I said please. Only I fell asleep at some point. But not completely asleep. I was in that middle place, where you kind of have a sense of what's going on but you're body and mind are so exhausted they are helpless to move. I felt hands caressing my back, then moving down my body, far down my body.......I couldn't move. I didn't know what I was feeling. I didn't know if I wanted more or I wanted it to stop. The arms were pulling me. They wanted me to turn over. Lie on my back. I did. I felt them move up my stomach, to my breasts. They lifted my shirt. They caressed them. What was going on......somethings-

I was so tired but I understood what was going on. I was trying to process it. Do you want this?I had to ask myself. Obviously she does.... Doesn't look like you have to do any of the work. That definitely goes in the plus column. But something was nagging at me. Something just didn't feel right. It didn't feel bad, it many ways it felt nice, but it didn't feel Right. And then the deciding moment came. She brought her mouth to mine, and I knew this was the test. If I could do this, I had my answer.

I couldn't. I didn't want it. I felt so bad. Luckily I had a territorial dog who decided she had taken things too far, or maybe he thought I needed rescue. He broke the moment. I turned over and went to sleep. I acted like I had no idea what was going on.

She cried the next day. She told me it wasn't about sex. It was about feeling close. She had suffered a difficult year and she hadn't felt close to anyone like me in a long time. She was confused about what she was feeling, overwhelmed with love for me, for the friendship we shared, and she wanted to translate that in a way she didn't know how. It was sincere. It made me cry too. But what it also showed me was that I can't have sex with girls. Not in real life at least. I'm just not that kind of fish.

Some things are better left to the imagination............

I still have my girl crushes though:)