Break up to Make Up

In an instant all that feels so right can be so wrong, and so wrong suddenly right once again. I have an evil, vile mouth. I won't deny it. I am all things sweet, pretty, kind, harmless. And yet I am salt in a wound, the bullet in a heart, the slice to your wrists if I feel feel I've been abused. I often don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. Many others see sweet, patient, loving, kind, giving, motherly, silly, pretty. Maybe what I see is the truth, maybe it is some strange distortion of reality. I am trying to negotiate the image that stares back at me, finding some semblance of hope, honesty, goodness. Who am I? Why don't I feel like I know these things.... Comfortable in my own skin. This is what I so desperately seek. And if I don't posess this, then how can I possibly be comfortable with another, love another, be whole with another. I betrayed my love by trying to end something I desperately didn't want to, by saying things I never meant and in doing so I betrayed myself. THAT is the ultimate betrayel. But in doing so I have grown. I learned something about myself this week. I'm a fuck up. And eternal fuck up. A fuck up on a massive scale who often is so emotionally incompetant that I often have no rational way of dealing with life's curve balls that I compensate with self-destruction. And sometimes, by hurting those I love the most. Cutting them off... or trying too...because I don't believe they love me enough.

But really, maybe its that I don't love myself enough, and in so, need others to feel that deep, deep chasm for me. And that's too big of a job for ANYONE to handle.

I learned this week what I want most in life, who I want most. I learned that I love another more than I can bare, but that I also love myself, alot. This was a desperate week, a week filled with tears, and vomit, and desperate angst, please forgive me's, why did I's, I'm so stupid's, and the complete inability to digest even the smallest of food. It was a death and a rebirth. I don't want anyone else in the world. I am sure of this. And I love myself. The good and the bad. And the bad sometimes can be really really bad. I know now that I need to work on this. And that's a good thing.