Girl seeks help

I want help. I think I need help. I feel completely out of control. I was told time and time again to see someone but I thought I was ok. I was in denial. But now I know. There is no hoping it will get better. I need professional help. But I am scared. Nervous. I've always been more porous than others. My skin's never been thick. Instead it's always been more like gauze, soaking up everything. I've always been sensitive. But hardly ever angry. Nearly never irritated. Almost always absurdly patient. That has changed. Now, I go from happy to angry to irritated back to apathetic, all in a matter of seconds. A loud voice can drive my nerves to a breakdown. Waiting in impossibly slow lines can make me want to yell, yell at the top of my lungs. I try my best to curb this. I try, in vain, to control this. But it's not possible. I have absolutely no buffer. No rational. Nothing. I am powerless. And that is such a scary place to be.

They say that after a stroke, or any traumatic brain injury for that matter, that you are never the same person. Many have severe, significant personality changes. For others, it manifests itself more subtly.

They say that post-stroke we tend to be cautious, hesitant, anxious and disorganized when faced with an unfamiliar problem. *Check.*

We can suffer from "emotional lability", excessive crying that often has little relationship to sadness or what is happening around them. We might not be sad when crying, happy when laughing or angry when hostile. *Check*

The stroke survivor may seem a different person, showing feelings of anger, caution or anxiety that are completely out of character. The affected individual may also feel like less of a person. *Check*

They may become very sensitive to and often fearful of changes in their environment, and will thus benefit from, and be comforted by, an effectively established routine. *Check*

Many stroke survivors are overwhelmed by too much stimulation. *Hell yeah, CHECK*

Even minor brain damage affects a memory related area of behaviour called quality control. This refers to how well individuals check and control their own behaviour. A previously fastidious person may fail to bathe or zip his fly, or a formerly polite person may become rude and profane. *Check.*

I don't want medication. I don't want to be modified by Prozac or Zoloft. I want my old brain back. I want to be able to feel like my emotions aren't constantly spinning out of control. My boyfriend says I have no concept of reality now. He says that what I perceive, what I see, hear and understand, is almost always wrong. Sometimes, I know he is just saying this to get his way. But all too often, when faced with incontrovertible evidence, I become terrified. And anxious. Confused and profoundly sad, frustrated. I can't continue to live like this. I need help. But I feel paralyzed to get it. I don't know why. Complete and total paralysis..... Pick up a phone. Make an appointment. Simple....

If only it was.