Things unsaid

She was my best-friend. She may not know she still is. But things are different now. We hurt each other in different ways, the injuries inflicted on each of us just the same. I miss her so much sometimes it hurts. It's not that we don't speak. We do. But its infrequent. No longer completely effortless. There was a time we practically lived together. Wrapping our arms around one another in protection. I wasn't there when she needed me most. I couldn't be. I wasn't even the same person, and I needed to negotiate that in my own mind.

She needed my compassion, my protection, my love and hugs and kisses. She needed me to hold her hand. But I couldn't. I was incapable. She said hurtful things to me. Things that burned deep and dark holes in my heart. But she felt justified. She felt the person she desperately needed abandoned her. And I did. But not with malice, not with intention, not with lack of love. I was paralyzed. Emotionally paralyzed. I couldn't expect anyone to understand this. Especially not someone who had always been there for me. I'm like a dog in many ways, I love unconditionally and can take many hits on the nose. But too many eventually makes me crawl away with my tail between my legs. If someone said "Fuck You" to me I was never good at yelling "Fuck You" back. And because of this, resentment builds up. Add to0 that emotional paralysis and you create a deadly cocktail. I was too vulnerable. Too naked then. I couldn't take the chance of being hurt. But in pulling away, I cheated myself. And her.

I missed her babies growing up. I missed being an Auntie. I missed hours of figuring out how many different times we could call something "pastel-ee" or turn even the most random thing into some silly sports metaphor. Going a day only saying things we had heard Walt Clyde Frazier exclaim during a Knick Game. We had our own secret language. But then, she does with everyone. She's just that kind of person. She can turn the most mundane day into something to laugh about years later. We used to give each other little presents. Everyday. Just because. We even made lists of why we were best-friends. Silly yes...... but those are the things that you recall later in life, when you've moved away and know that no one on earth will ever replace that person.

I look back with hindsight and say, "I could have done things differently." But I couldn't have. I did the only thing I knew how at the time. I have to live with my behavior, as does she. But there are no villians or heroes in this story. Just two people who shared and still do share a friendship rare and special. I should have been able to deal. But I couldn't. It shouldn't have mattered how many things I was mad at her about, or how I feared she might scar me again. We were best-friends. We love each other, the good, the bad and the ugly. I love you. This is my apology for years past, for regretful things, for not being there and wishing more than ever that I was. I miss you and miss you fiercly. In my darkest hours, my most vulnerable moments, it is you for some reason that I want to cling too. It's with you I wish I could take refuge. I wish I was there or you were here. And I wish I could turn back time.