Not the marrying kind

This past weekend was my future sister-in-laws bridal shower. The theme was Arabian Nights, although the catered food was Chinese and the music was mostly Reggae and Soca. The only thing seemingly Arabian about the night were the two belly dancers who came to perform and do an impromptu class. But neither of them were Arab, in fact one was Chinese, and kind of old, but moving on......

We were asked to bring gifts to "fill the lingerie drawer." Pink bags and boxes with silver bows dominated the table, nearly everyone buying from Victorias Secret, with a vibrator and a stripper pole thrown in for good measure. The bride looked happier than I had ever seen, at peace even. But the more time passed, the more I started to wonder if I was really the marrying kind. My mother has been married four times. She left her first husband, a Russian Basketball player because he was "Boring." She left her second husband, a prestigious Russian Plastic Surgeon,because he was "Controlling." She used her third husband to get out of the country. He died of a heart attack shortly thereafter, too quick for her to divorce him. On the telephone a few months ago, when talking about men and marriage she actually said to me, "Men aren't for marriage, they are for Transportation....." as in from one country and into another. From the day I could understand words, the first one's my mother said to me were "Do not get married. Marriage is a raw deal for a woman."

Though this was and still is my mothers mantra, I've always taken it with a grain of salt. She's been happily married to my father for over 25 years. She claims that she only agreed to marry him because she needed a good father for her children, and my brother loved him and begged her. My brother says she was dating three scumbags at the time, one was really fat and a chain smoker, and my mother couldn't pick a decent man if a gun were put to her head. My dad was the only nice looking, decent human being in the bunch. In many ways, I am my mothers daughter; in more ways than I wish to accept, actually. I have made emergency exits from relationships simply because I was bored, and I have tried to make work one's that were ticking timebombs. I have horrible taste in the opposite sex. Completely untrustworthy taste. The truth is that for much of my life, if I've really liked a guy, he must be really really bad for me.

My brother and sister have both ended up divorced, most of the marriages or committed relationships I know are filled with betrayal or unhappiness. As I age into my late twenties, and many of my friends are already in their thirties, they are marrying, or desperately wanting to get married because they think it's "time." They marry for things like security.....Convenience. They marry because they feel they have to or opportunity will pass them by. For women, carrying a baby after age 35 greatly increases the chance of miscarriage, as well as a host of other problems. The only thing that even makes me truly want to be married is having a child. I've lived with someone now for almost three years, sharing everything, for all intents and purposes, living a married life. Getting married would change little more than tax returns and health insurance benefits. I've never been the girl that fantasized about the wedding dress and cake and extravagant party. The only thing I do think about, often now... is my daddy walking me down the aisle. If I were to wait too long to get married, and my father weren't there, I would be devastated.

I am completely screwed up, lovable and unlovable in so many ways. Can I expect someone to commit to that for a lifetime? I don't know. I'm so fragile, to give someone my solemn oath to love and be faithful to them, and then be betrayed later would crush me to pieces. I suppose that is the chance we all take, but I would like to look around me and see that the odds for happiness and commitment were better. I not sure if I'm the marrying kind yet, I don't know. I suppose you'll just have to wait for the wedding invitations:)